The Waiting Game

The day I met my first child was one of the best days of my life.  It took 48 hours in the hospital, 15 hours of Pitocin, oh yeah and 9 months (10 really) of pregnancy before hand to get there.  I felt like the end would never come.  There was a time in my labor during transition when the pain was so consuming that all I could do was talk to my son in hopes to end the waiting game.  I remember saying to him “Come on Charlie, Come on!” in a meditative state.

The moment he was born and the nurses placed Charles on my chest, I had this blog1profound sensation of recognition when I saw his face. “Oh of course that’s what you look like, I know you” were the only thoughts that went through my mind. Before the rush of euphoria and intense joy washed through me driven by a love I had never known before, there was this simple and surprising moment where I completely recognized Charles as my son, whom I had somehow known my whole life.  All of the waiting game worries of nursery set up, birth plans, car seat installation, maternity leave preparation washed away- that was all filler stress to help bide time until this moment when I was able to connect with the only person I had ever met who came straight from God, to my heart, to rely on me for everything.  I had the same experience on the day our second son Gus was born.blog2

How can I possibly prepare myself for what that moment will be like with twins?

The past week for me has been driven by physical discomfort and sleep deprivation and has included surprising moments of dread and fear.  I feel overwhelmed with birth plans and “what if’s”.  When my friends ask me how I am doing I automatically give them an inventory on my physical condition and an update on my most recent midwife/perinatal appointment, but is that really how I am doing?  To be honest I am freaked out by the unknown surrounding this birth-

When will it happen? How will it happen?  Will I have to have surgery for the first time ever and experience local anesthesia?  What risks am I facing? Will my boys be scared? Will my heart explode when I see those babies for the first time? Am I ready to accept the magnitude of that blessing and “allow” my life to be impacted so drastically?  Do I have what it takes?

Although all of those questions are valid, none of their answers actually matter.  The truth is that while it’s great to be well informed and to have a plan of what I want and do not want, my only real objective is to get those babies here as safely as I can. In truth, the details are out of my control and when I meet those babies for the first time none of my filler stress that I am focusing on now will exist.

So it’s time to get excited!  As long as the waiting game feels like it’s taking forever, I might as well enjoy it!  I will enjoy my family of 4 before we grow by 2 more awesome people that will only make us more complete.  I will enjoy the sleepless nights while the babies are kicking me instead of crying to be fed and held.  I will enjoy scaling back at work and challenge myself to continue to remove myself from projects instead of stressing and involving myself in new commitments. I will be proud of my capable team members who will carry on just fine in my absence- there will be plenty of booze to sell when I return.

Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy!

Even in moments of intense anticipation we only have one day at a time and the most important choice we can make is to relish every moment as a gift not drive ourselves crazy with “what if’s” and uncontrollable scenarios.

As the great Mark Twain said,

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”

 

4 comments

  1. These are beautiful thoughts Margi. I felt so privileged to be there when Charlie and Gus were born. I’ll never forget the look on your faces of pure joy! Don’t be afraid of having a c-section. It’s not so bad especially if you don’t have to labor beforehand. Let me know how I can help.

  2. I can’t even imagine what you are thinking/feeling, but you are doing a GREAT JOB! (and will continue to do so) When Peter told me you were having twins, (first I laughed and evil laugh) then said, “you know, I don’t know anyone more perfect for this to happen to” Meaning you guys are two of the strongest, most generous people I know, and I have no doubt in my mind you guys got this 100% ! What an exciting adventure it’s going to be! And if you even need a sitter, we are here for you guys! I love you!

    1. Love you April! Thank you so much for the encouraging words. There is no way we could do it without friends like you- I love your evil laugh btw.

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