February 2016

The Waiting Game

The day I met my first child was one of the best days of my life.  It took 48 hours in the hospital, 15 hours of Pitocin, oh yeah and 9 months (10 really) of pregnancy before hand to get there.  I felt like the end would never come.  There was a time in my labor during transition when the pain was so consuming that all I could do was talk to my son in hopes to end the waiting game.  I remember saying to him “Come on Charlie, Come on!” in a meditative state.

The moment he was born and the nurses placed Charles on my chest, I had this blog1profound sensation of recognition when I saw his face. “Oh of course that’s what you look like, I know you” were the only thoughts that went through my mind. Before the rush of euphoria and intense joy washed through me driven by a love I had never known before, there was this simple and surprising moment where I completely recognized Charles as my son, whom I had somehow known my whole life.  All of the waiting game worries of nursery set up, birth plans, car seat installation, maternity leave preparation washed away- that was all filler stress to help bide time until this moment when I was able to connect with the only person I had ever met who came straight from God, to my heart, to rely on me for everything.  I had the same experience on the day our second son Gus was born.blog2

How can I possibly prepare myself for what that moment will be like with twins?

The past week for me has been driven by physical discomfort and sleep deprivation and has included surprising moments of dread and fear.  I feel overwhelmed with birth plans and “what if’s”.  When my friends ask me how I am doing I automatically give them an inventory on my physical condition and an update on my most recent midwife/perinatal appointment, but is that really how I am doing?  To be honest I am freaked out by the unknown surrounding this birth-

When will it happen? How will it happen?  Will I have to have surgery for the first time ever and experience local anesthesia?  What risks am I facing? Will my boys be scared? Will my heart explode when I see those babies for the first time? Am I ready to accept the magnitude of that blessing and “allow” my life to be impacted so drastically?  Do I have what it takes?

Although all of those questions are valid, none of their answers actually matter.  The truth is that while it’s great to be well informed and to have a plan of what I want and do not want, my only real objective is to get those babies here as safely as I can. In truth, the details are out of my control and when I meet those babies for the first time none of my filler stress that I am focusing on now will exist.

So it’s time to get excited!  As long as the waiting game feels like it’s taking forever, I might as well enjoy it!  I will enjoy my family of 4 before we grow by 2 more awesome people that will only make us more complete.  I will enjoy the sleepless nights while the babies are kicking me instead of crying to be fed and held.  I will enjoy scaling back at work and challenge myself to continue to remove myself from projects instead of stressing and involving myself in new commitments. I will be proud of my capable team members who will carry on just fine in my absence- there will be plenty of booze to sell when I return.

Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy!

Even in moments of intense anticipation we only have one day at a time and the most important choice we can make is to relish every moment as a gift not drive ourselves crazy with “what if’s” and uncontrollable scenarios.

As the great Mark Twain said,

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”


33 Weeks Pregnant with Twins – 3 tips on Staying Sane


OK, I’m 33 weeks pregnant with twins.  What I can’t seem to wrap my brain around is how I potentially have 5 more weeks of bigness ahead of me.  My waddle is full on penguin strut.  Baby A (the boy) is head down and attempting to figure out an exit strategy and baby B (the girl) is trying to head butt her way through my rib cage.  These kids are determined little buggers and I must say I admire them for it.

My fashion choices are extremely limited at this point.  My daily outfits consist of one of the three pairs of maternity pants that still “fit” me and a maternity support tank with a warmer layer over top of it.  Basically I rotate 3-4 different outfits throughout the week.  Except for the the fact that I am really attempting to spread out my outfits so the same people don’t see me in the same clothes all the time, the lack of choices is really quite liberating. In my final weeks I may consider committing to full on uniform mode.  Same outfit.  Every day.  Your welcome world.


I am grateful that the MN winter weather has decided to be freakishly springlike.  I cannot close my coat and I refuse to buy a new (or used) one at this point.  If it gets seasonably frigid all of the sudden, my plan is to wrap myself in a twin size comforter to get to and from the car.  I’m sure the security guard at my office will love stuffing me into the elevator- I’ll just have to arrange for my boss to be waiting at the top floor to fish me out.

This week went very fast and everything is feeling quite real at this point as my husband and I are faced with some delivery choices and my need to slow down has become undeniable.  I certainly want these babies to stay in for as long as possible and all complaints aside, their health and best chance at a strong start is my number one priority.

Last week I listed 5 tips on staying sane– this week I have 3.

3 Things That are Keeping me Sane at 33 Weeks

  1.  Ordering gear!- Piece of advice to all moms- become an Amazon Prime member.  With your membership you are automatically enrolled as an Amazon Mom and have all of the benefits of free shipping, discounted prices, subscribe and save (which offers 20% off all diapers!) etc.  When I found out I was having twins I created an Amazon Baby registry and because of my Amazon Mom status, I received a 15% off “completion discount.”  Whatever I did not receive from my registry from friends and family, I was able to purchase at this discounted rate.  My thoughts- if you are going to buy anything at all for your new baby, even if this is your 3rd or 4th child, create a registry on Amazon Prime! This week my stroller, car seats, diaper bag and some sheet savers arrived and it felt like Christmas morning!  I am in love with the car seats- I chose to get Maxi Cosi Mico infant carriers (one pink, one grey) as they have very high safety ratings and are known for their light weight.  I expect carrying around 2 infant carriers to give Madonna arms, but I don’t want to throw out my back in the process.
  2. My Husband- I am a type A personality.  There, I said it.  I like to think I am relaxed and that I always go with the flow, but the truth is when I commit to being “laid
    image back” about something, it is not before I have identified the ways to maximize the efficiency and effectiveness of my relaxed state. “Taking it easy” and “scaling back” are jargon that I honestly do not understand.  I have had to ask each of the midwives at the practice I go to describe these terms in their own words.  Until I am put on prescribed bed rest, I may not fully grasp the general concept. My husband Chris has allowed me space to grapple with my difficulty of admitting when it’s time to opt out of social engagements, retreat to my bedroom to lay on my left side when all I want to do is get through folding an entire basket of laundry, or hibernating in the bathtub when my body has called it quits for the day.  He allows me this freedom by taking the reigns with the boys, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, making dinner happen every night and simply respecting the fact that he will never be asked to carry around two large babies in his abdomen.  He does not love to talk about the ways in which he will miss out on sleep once these babies arrive and has had a couple of WTF moments along the way (as pictured), but that is yet another one of the many reasons we are both glad we have our doula on board- doulas offer mental and emotional support for both the mom AND her partner.  More Twinning Dad WTF moments to come.
  3. The 52 List Project“- Last week I mentioned my need for journaling. I am also an avid list maker.  I LOVE lists because I feel a deep sense of accomplishment when I get to cross things off.  The 52 List Project is an awesome little book of lists created as a “year of weekly journaling inspiration” by Moorea Seal. Sometimes when my brain is totally clogged I overthink everything including simple exercises like journaling- it’s funny how easy it is to overcomplicate something as simple as writing down what’s on your mind.  This beautifully designed book is a fun tool to help get the juices flowing.  My favorite list so far is “List the Sountrack of Your Life Right Now”… “Under Pressure” by Queen/David Bowie and Tim Ferris Podcasts are the only things I have written down so far.  As a true music lover, this list has helped me indicate that I need to commit to some serious quiet time with my music library and iTunes stat!